Empowered Realism: When Stepping Into Your Power Is the Key to Create Change was literally ready to post for weeks, but for the longest time, I refused to share it. I kept reading and re-reading it over again, tweaking and editing it, yet I couldn’t seem to bring myself to publish it. There was just something about it that didn’t seem complete and being a (recovering) perfectionist, I did not want to put something out there that wasn’t to my liking. So what was my problem?
The article covers my concept of Empowered Realism, a concept I introduced in my article Is Fighting the System the Way to Go?. The essay fleshes out how I came to create it, what influenced me, what it entails etc. I was initially extremely excited about writing it, mainly because I’d never come up with a concept before. I was looking forward to doing the definitional work, explaining the thought process behind it, and finally sharing it with others. Essentially, I am proud of my little invention and the idea of it becoming a part of my intellectual property was exciting to me. Yet, while I was writing the text, I didn’t feel like Empowered Realism would have the reach that I initially had hoped for or imagined. I didn’t feel like I was being impeccable with my word (shoutout to The Four Agreements). After weeks of nit-picking at Empowered Realism, I discovered that I am fixated on wanting to be right. Even though my main mission is to share my thoughts and opinions, and offer an alternative perspective on things, hiding behind that was the desire to be right about those thoughts and opinions; to have people agree with them. I didn’t have this realization overnight, it was an accumulation of multiple things. But what made me come to face this tendency of mine was the triggering feeling of defensiveness I get when it comes to sharing my experience. I feel like others’ life experiences/perspectives are more relatable, whereas my “uncommon path of life” is seldom shared; and that can be isolating at times. Because my life experience influenced Empowered Realism in a major way, I didn’t feel like I had the legitimacy to put such a thing out there.
My initial reaction to coming to that realization was doubling back and insisting on sharing my life experience, irrespective of how it may come off to others who may not have been dealt the same cards. What mattered to me most was sharing my truth because, after years of censoring myself, I selfishly wanted to amplify my voice with no regard for what others may think or feel. It was with that entitlement that I first wrote Empowered Realism. I wanted to share — more like dictate — what my concept was, under the pretext that it would help others “see the light”. Because I was convinced that I knew best, that my “unique experience as Violette” would offer a special insight into the problems of the world, naturally, readers won’t have a choice but to agree. Patronizing, isn’t it? What fuelled me to write my first draft was conceit and arrogance. Because nothing constructive comes out of that type of energy, naturally, I came to a roadblock so I took some time away from it.
I cooled off a bit, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that my point of view was unrelatable. But instead of charging full steam ahead with self-importance, I decided to approach my second draft with compassion. I opened up the concept of Empowered Realism to be more inclusive and compassionate toward realities that may not be like mine. So I broadened up my scope, to be as inclusive as possible, and to consider every argument under the sun. But it came to the point where it was so broad, that the concept was completely diluted. I took the people-pleasing route to construct Empowered Realism to placate people into agreeing with me, instead of using condescendence to gaslight them into validating my concept. But I hit another roadblock because I wasn’t being genuine. It was more well-intentioned than the first attempt, but still not the right way to go about it. Between the two drafts, I managed to piece together the article and find a happy medium with the right amount of compassion and understanding for realities different from mine, without compromising my perspective. With the article now being complete and to my liking, posting it wasn’t a problem anymore (it’s posted, now!). However, I was still conflicted about standing in my truth and wanting to be right.
Diversity of thought and healthy disagreement are two things (among many others) I firmly believe in. They are the key to engaging, inspiring and stimulating dialogue. Without diversity of thought and healthy disagreement, boundaries aren’t pushed, ideas aren’t developed, and we don’t advance. Yet when it comes to sharing my alternative perspective, I am constantly met with pushback — but not the good kind; this kind is dismissive. My opinions have always been deemed by the people around me as being “exceptional”. If I had a dime for every time I heard the phrase “Yeah, but that’s you, Vio”…It’s pretty frustrating. What I hear is that I need to put what I think aside, to make space for whatever is “more commonly shared”; I need to consider the mainstream viewpoint and suspend mine. To be clear, I have no issue considering different perspectives. I do it constantly. Yet I don’t feel like the views I share are accorded the same courtesy. Beyond this being a “me problem”, dissenting points of view are rarely considered by others. People who have uncommon perspectives are always asked to forget what they think, and instead, asked to take into account mainstream perspectives. Why isn’t it the other way around? After all, the diverging opinions are the ones that create change. So why not consider the unconventional viewpoint and suspend the mainstream one?
This is a tale as old as time. New and different ideas always face resistance at first. Usually, I embrace that challenge and take it as it is; my goal isn’t to “convert” people, but rather, to offer an alternative. And normally, I can stand firmly in that knowing, without feeling insecure about the receptivity of my perspective — but only when I offer criticism about something that has already been established in the world (a theory, a book, a historical event…). Now that I am sharing something that I pieced together, I am much more sensitive to the way my ideas might be received. That’s the “inner-conundrum” I was facing when writing on Empowered Realism; struggling to unwaveringly stand in my truth, vs wanting/needing my truth to be accepted.
When it comes down to it, wanting people to agree with me wasn’t the problem. All I wanted was for the acknowledgement that I grant to commonly-shared ideas to be granted to me. And I think I still do. When it comes to considering others’ ideas, I leave no stone unturned. Yet I don’t always believe that the opposite is true. Coming to terms with that and learning to stand true to my convictions is an eternal process. I have been fortunate enough to be introduced to spaces where I can share and discuss with like-minded people, and have made enriching and inspiring connections. I mean, I created Candid for that exact purpose. Through writing, I have committed myself to expressing my opinions, thoughts and ideas to the world whether people agree with me or not. My message will reach whomever it needs to reach — even if I manage to plant seeds in the minds of only a handful of people, I would consider that a success. In the same way that not everyone is for me, I am not for everyone. And I am learning to embrace that.
FYI